My Relapse: Out And Back In, To Begin Again

To begin with, I want you to know that this is a very, very personal story for me to share. Relapse is a part of my story. Mine is not an uncommon story; the longer I stick around in my fellowship the more I hear the truth about relapse: People relapse before they even pick up a drink or drug.

It’s the way we think. However, relapse is not a part of recovery, it is a lack thereof, and there is no guarantee that you will be able to reset the timer and start counting 24 hours again.

There are so many different relapses to my story, in a way it snowballed in multi-layered phases and unraveled, revealing many hidden issues. After having five years of sobriety my life got really, really good. My program was in place and I was achieving things that I never thought were possible. I had a solid foundation; a solid fellowship and I was of service. Slowly but surely, that started to diminish as I became more attracted to and focused on things like money, success, possessions, recognition, and approval. These are all ‘life things’ that come from a very fulfilling sober life, for sure, but I allowed my program of recovery to deteriorate. When that happened, other issues started to arise. When things got so good, instead of continuing to put forth the effort, I wanted instant gratification.

I went to a psychiatrist and said that I was so stressed out and having similar issues to the ones I had when I was younger when I needed to take Adderall. (In retrospect, I had addictive personality traits even when I was a kid!) I had no intention of relapsing and certainly didn't want to jeopardize what I had; a doctor was treating me, so that seemed a smart and safe move. But I ended up having “prescription dyslexia”; instead of taking one pill every four hours I was taking four pills every hour. I was off to the races. About 8 months into my Adderall use I was taking around 350/400mg a day. And while I was in the cycle, and my tolerance built up and I started suffering sleep deprivation, I ended up starting to drink again.

When alcohol came back into the picture, I started drinking in isolation. I was not able to really function. While I was drinking and using, it spiraled into a gambling addiction as well. During this period, I surrounded myself with bad company and was making bad business investments. It was a domino effect. I lost a lot of money and lost our house -within a year.

Lost In Relapse, No Way Out

Even with this house of cards falling apart, ego came into play, and I just assumed I would be able to fix it. But I kept up with this roller-coaster battle with my addictions for 4 1/2 years, binging a month or two on and a month or two off. Adding to this cocktail of confusion and disaster more underlying issues started to surface... My fear and discomfort with body image, aging, weight management issues, and insecurities I had never processed.

I began to get high on the whole act of relapse. I felt like there was no way to get out, I was already in too deep. There was no longer a possibility of picking up the phone and reaching out or taking contrary action or using any of the tools or steps that I had learned. I would sit on all of it. I almost felt like I was grieving the end of my dysfunctional relationship with all my addictions, and playing it out one final time, to process it.

Intervention: Breaking The Cycle

Breaking the cycle of addiction started when my wife, Ashley, set a strong Al-Anon boundary. She had been attending Al-Anon to support herself, so she could better support me. Ashley called my sponsor and together with fellow AA members they set up a mini-intervention at my house, leading to my admission into a treatment center. This was the turning point. Ashley’s intervention forced me to not only get honest with myself and everyone around me, it also helped me to accept the help I needed.

After being honest about my relapse, I reached a point where I understood that drinking or using drugs wouldn't improve any situation. I accepted this fact. In the past, I had allowed people and situations to dictate my reality, reacting impulsively. Now, I realized that I didn’t have to get upset by others or circumstances because both lost power without my reaction. I also discovered that quick fixes didn’t work, which led me to the Triple-A Modality:

• Awareness

• Acceptance

• Action

Without awareness, you cannot accept what's going on; and without acceptance, you cannot take action.

In recovery, I have learned that I need to pause and play the tape out. Every day I am creating my “Ideal 24” I am identifying, restructuring, and setting boundaries.

·      What has also been most beneficial in my life and my sobriety is the awareness that structure and consistency create security. It’s a simple solution. When there is so much stuff happening in our world, we all need the feeling of security. When we have routines and accountability it creates a sense of safety:

✓ Have a set wake up time.

✓ Start the day with prayer and meditation.

✓ Make a gratitude list: three things- not only what but also why.

✓ Use the gym or exercise.

✓ Get to a meeting -even on zoom!

✓ Have a core group of people, lean on the fellowship.

✓ Be of service.

Back To Begin Again

The ending to my relapse story is a happy one. Once I got honest and recommitted to my recovery, everything began to turn around. By the grace of God, my life is now beyond my wildest dreams. I’m still happily married to my amazing wife, Ashley, and together, we’ve built a healthy, loving home rooted in faith. We’ve been blessed with three beautiful children. We moved across the country to start a new chapter in Nashville, and we’re all thriving. I’m doing what I love in my work, and life has never been better.

Many people deny to themselves that they are in the spiral of addiction for as long as possible, especially if they can hide it well. They may even think they have control over their addictions, but honestly, a relapse that goes untreated rarely ends well.

If you have had a relapse, you are not alone, it happens to the best of us. It's important not to dwell on it; we can learn from our mistakes. Let someone know you need help.

People in recovery are not in the shame game; we’re in the same game. And we want to help you win a life that is free from the bondage of addiction. If you are struggling with drugs or alcohol or have had a relapse please reach out and click the link below.